The Five Most Useless Superpowers Ever!

Alright, so Cracked.com did a little article that you can see here whereas they name Telepathy, and Magnetism, and being able to eat Matter as worthless superpowers. JD disagrees with that. So does Lance Manload.

Lance: Yeah, I fucking do, but I'm busy leave me alone.

This conversation is happening right now, Lance Manload is on speakerphone at JD's house in Unfortunateland, PA.

JD: Lance, what do you think the most useless Superpower is?

Lance: X-Ray Vision. Just ask the bitch to take her clothes off. I'm busy call me back!

Lance would proceed to hang up, and leave me hanging here, but I'll call back in a minute. Anyway, my top five most useless superpowers would have to:

5. Rubberization. How this didn't make the Crack.com list is absurd. Come now, and think for a minute about fucking Mr. Fantastic, and Plastic Man. How useless are these two assclowns. Sure, they can mold themselves into shit, but who cares. I'm not so lazy that I can't get up and unlock the door. Rubberization is basically a lazy-man's tool, not a superhero's.

4. Controlling the Weather. Yes Storm, I'm talking about you. This is ridiculous, because it's highly unlikely. You might as well call Storm "Mother Nature" she basically floats in the air and makes a fucking tornado. In three movies, a cartoon, and comic books (granted, I don't read the X-Books) I've seen her powers used good once; And that was to shock Toad off a fucking railing.

3. Thing. "Clobberin' Time" it is not. Ben Grimm was cool before the space-radiation turned him into a big orange mass of stupid. Sure, he can smash shit, and sulk, and watch television, but he has to drink out of a garbage can.

2. The Iron Fist. Ha! Danny Rand is the most useless person on the planet, and I actually like his book. I think that Iron Fist is the dumbest character ever, and that's counting Bravestar. I mean, seriously, I've read his book for a while now, and I still don't fucking get it. Why can the other Iron Fist's use guns that glow and still be called Iron Fists. If he can hold shit and still use the power of the "Fist" why not just get a big fucking sledge hammer and sledge-hammer people to death.

1. The Lasso. I don't know about you, but a golden-fucking-lasso isn't going to compell me to justice. I'm going to lie, and lie, while I stare at Wonder Woman's boobs, and then I'm going to lie some more. Granted, the Lasso really isn't a power, it's more of a woman's handbag, but it's still fucking ridiculous. Just think back to the television show, and her invisible airplane, where basically she just floated through the air in a seated position. Jesus.



That's it! Granted, they're not all powers, I still think these are the five worst power/comic/shit ever. I don't know. That Invisible Plane thing still pisses me the hell off.

Yeah, it's my birthday. No, seriously.

JD

P.S. Lance didn't pick up.