Greatest story evar told. Shit! I need wite-out!

But he drank it all!*






*No I will not be posting News Stories like this all the time, I just found this so fucking hilarious it needed to be shared.

Soulja Boy's "Crank Dat" analyzed...ugh...

I've decided to, without any holding back whatsoever, reem the holy fucking hell out of Soulja Boy's "Crank That," because not only is it the worst song ever sang it's the worst song ever written as well.

Now, you're saying "It can't be that bad, the lyrics are probably alright, it's just the way he sings it."

No. No, it is fucking not. There's only so much horror a man can take, one of them happens to be when his own brother professes love for 80's pop music, the other, however, it Soulja Boy's "Crank That"

I'm going to start with the first ...I guess you can call it a verse. I'm not too sure.

Soulja Boy up in it (OH!)
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy,That Super Man Dat (OH!)

Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja )
Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja )
Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja )
Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja )

You're not imagining things, he really did say "watch" seven times. And basically the "chorus" is "Now Watch Me Do" ...whatever the fuck that means, a repeated four times.

Also, what is he "up in" per say? And I don't know about you, but as far as I know Superman was a white guy from Kansas.

Soulja Boy up in it (OH!)
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy,That Super Man Dat (OH!)
Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja)
Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja)
Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja)
Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja)

Wow. Okay. Second...verse...I guess. He repeats first verse word for word. And I just realized that in the first two verses (take into consideration I'm calling them verses. I don't really know what they are) he says the words "me" and "watch" 14 times each. Scholaristic lyricist this guy is.

Soulja Boy up in it (OH!)
Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock
Super Man Dat (OH!)
Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock
Jocking On Them Haterz Man
When I Do Dat Soulja Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance(Now You)
I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass
And If We Get The Fightin
Then I'm Cocking On Your Bitch
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party
Yes I Crank It Everyday
Haterz Get Mad Cuz
"I Got Me Some Bathin Apes"

Sweet. Fucking. Christ. How can anyone...in their right fucking mind listen to this...worthless bullshit? I'm going to analyze every line.

"Soulja Boy Up in it (OH)"
No sir you are not up in it. You are far from it actually. You're head is up in someone's ass if you think this is worthwhile. It's as if you created your own language of repetition and retardation.

"Watch me lean and watch me rock"
Your so far from rockin' dude. You're so far from rockin' that you're Kenny Loggins.

"Super Man Dat (OH!)"
What in the hell does this even mean? How do you Super man something? Is it a super way of manning something? For answers, I turned to Urbandictionary.com. Super Man has two equally funny definitions. Probably more, but I'm only putting two. This, already, is going to be the longest post ever.

Super man - (1) when you pull out and cum on the bed sheets and then quickly push the girl on the spot where you came. She then falls asleep and when she wakes up, the sheet is stuck to her back and she gets up and runs around to get it off, thus looking like super man

(2) A sexual position involving male coordination and balance in order to balance on the fulcrum of a woman's upturned ass.

First, I'd like to state that the first definitely quoted Soulja Boy directly...so I guess it means that. Sadly. I wish I was dead.

"Then Watch me Crank Dat Robocop"
Why can't you spell the word "that" with that instead of dat. I just don't understand the relevance. It'll sound the same, I promise you. And don't you ever say an unkind word about Robocop. That was unkind wasn't it? Crank Dat Robocop? I'm just assuming; I mean, it looks upsetting. According to UrbanDictionary.com, which once again quotes Soulja Boy directly this "robocop" is not my beloved 80's movie icon played by Peter Weller. Apparently Soulja Boy's version of "robocop" is when you ejaculate into a bucket...and invert it on your girlfriends/wife's head.
Wonderful.

"Super Fresh Now Watch Me Jock"
I honestly...have no idea what this means. Fresh can be construed as being cool but as far as jock...the only jock I know is the strap that used to cover my balls when I was playing baseball. I don't know. What is he jocking? How is he jocking? Is he dancing around only with a jock strap on? It's a possibility, but the horror severely outweighs the hilarity.

"Jocking On Them Haterz Man"
I'm pretty sure he already said this. This entire line could be omitted if the above line was changed to "Super Fresh Now Watch me Jock On Dem Haterz Yo" I'm super fresh, yo.

"When I do that Soulja Boy"
Not only are you the dumbest person on the planet, but you also named a dance move after yourself. I can't find out what the Soulja Boy is, but I'm sure it's a 17-year old dance with his hand in his pants.

"I Lean to the Left and Crank Dat Dance"
You should lean off a bridge you douche bay.

"I'm Jocking on Yo Bitch Ass"
Seriously? This is what music has come to? "Jocking" on someone's ass. It's astounding and scary.

"And If We Get to Fightin"
I seriously promise if we "get to fightin" I will rip your esophagus out of your neck, and spit in your seriously mentally retarded face.

"Then I'm Cocking On Your Bitch"
Hm. Okay. I don't have a valid response for that other than the onset of AIDS

"You Catch Me at Yo Local Party"
I sincerely doubt that. If you showed up to a party here, you'd be lynched. And don't fret, you're turning me into a racist just by opening your mouth.

"Yes I Crank it Everyday"
There's really no doubt is there? Only a person who is cranked is capable of writing these assinine lyrics.

"Haterz Get Mad Cuz, 'I Got Me Some Bathin Apes'"
What? Bathin Apes? What the ...According to Urban Dictionary there's three definitions to what "Bathin Apes" is...

(1) Knock off Airforce Ones or Sneakers? Or Sunglasses? I don't even know.
(2) Shoes that make "haterz" get mad at "Soulja Boy"
(3) The occasional shower of a black person. (Seriously. I didn't think that up. I'd admit it if I did.)

We've reached the end of the..whatever the fuck part of the song that was...now onto more ...I guess.

I'm Bouncin On My Toe
Watch Me Super Soak Dat (OH!)
I'ma Pass It To Arab
Then He Gon Pass It To The Low (Low)
Haterz Wanna Be Me
Soulja Boy, I'm The Man
They Be Lookin At My Neck
Sayin Its The Rubberband Man (Man)
Watch Me Do It (Watch Me Do It)
Dance (Dance)
Let Get To It (Let Get To It)
Nope, You Can't Do It Like Me
Hoe, So Don't Do It Like Me
Folk, I See You Tryna Do It Like Me
Man That Shit Was Ugly

"I'm bouncin on my Toe"
I wish you were bouncing off the pavement after a fifty story drop you asshole. This shit is atrocious.

"Watch me Super Soak that (OH!)"
Oh, Urban Dictionary...I figured this is what it was but it's when you pull out jazz all over a chick. Real original. Porn stars have been doing this for decades.

"I'ma pass it to Arab"
Okay...who's Arab?

"Then he gon pass it to The Low"
What? New characters? The Low, I imagine is like Lil Jon, or worse, like Mase, before Mase became a pastor somewhere in the midwest and cured his stutter.

"Haterz Wanna Be Me"
I suppose in this context, I can be labeled as a "Haterz" but it's only because Soulja Boy is the stupidest person on the face of the Earth. It pained me to call him a person, honestly.

"They Be Lookin at My Neck"
What? No, they don't be lookin at your neck. God this guy is a douche bag.

"Sayin its The Rubberband Man (Man)"
I bet you a hundred dollars no one ever calls you the Rubberband Man. Idiot, Dolt, Asshole, Waste, Shiteater, Douchebag, those are your nick names.

"Watch Me Do It (Watch Me Do it)"
Please No. No one should be subjected to watching you dance, to watch you die though, should be labeled as the greatest day in the history of man!

"Dance (Dance)"
No (No)

"Let Get To It (Let Get To It)"
What!? Let Get To It? That doesn't make any sense. I don't know what to say, other than Let Get to The End of this shit. God, my head hurts.

"Nope, You Can't Do It Like Me"
You cum in buckets and put it on peoples heads. No one wants to be like you, and the only reason why anyone listens to this song is because they don't know the true meaning of it. You fucking ingrate.

"Hoe, So Don't Do It Like Me"
Basically the same as above, no one wants to do it like you. If they did, everyone would probably do it better. You're the reason the music industry is going to shit. This is why no one knows the song Regulate by Warren G and Nate Dogg? Are you fucking kidding me? Rap is Dead.

"Folk, I See You Tryna Do It Like Me"
NO, YOU PARANOID FUCK. No one is tryna do it like you. I'm crying on the inside.

"Man That Shit Was Ugly"
You're damn right it was. You're damn right, and to surmise this whole thing. I apologize. I did this within the ruse of thinking it would be hilarious, funny, and heart warming. It was, however, just painful. Soulja Boy deserves death. Death by any form. Injection, hanging, what have you. I don't care. This kind of shit does not deserve to see the light of day. Soulja Boy. Fuck you. Your name doesn't even make sense.

That's it. I'm done.

30 Days Of Awesome...Day One

Well, you see, JD and I usually do our Top 10 lists for the end of the year in both movies and music. I decided to expand it a bit, and just make it 30 days of awesome things...not just movies and awesome. For the next 30 days, I will talk about something awesome that happened in the year 2007, and by anything I mean, music, dvds, film, news stories ANYTHING.

Day 1:

On January 31, the town of Boston had what they thought a possible terrorist attack. Here's the full story....courtesy of my favorite website...Wikipedia:

On January 31st, 2007, at 8:05 a.m. a passenger spotted the device on a stanchion that supports an elevated section of Interstate 93 (I-93), above Sullivan Station and told a policeman with the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority. ^[9] At 9 a.m., the Boston Police Bomb squad received a phone call from the MBTA requesting assistance in identifying the device.^[10] Authorities responded with what the Boston Globe described as "[an] army of emergency vehicles" at the scene, including police cruisers, fire trucks, ambulances, and the Boston Police Department bomb squad. Also present were live TV crews with helicopters circling overhead and a large crowd of onlookers. ^[9] Peter Berdovsky, who had placed the device, went to the scene and video recorded the situation. Berdovsky recognized the device the police were dealing with but made no attempt to inform the police at the scene of what he knew about it. Berdovsky returned to his apartment and contacted the company Interference who had hired him to place the lights. He was told by Interference that they would handle informing the police and that he should personally say nothing about the situation.^[11]

During the preliminary investigation at the site, the police found that the device shared some characteristics with improvised explosive devices, except the actual explosive. These characteristics included an identifiable power source, circuit board with exposed wiring, and electrical tape. After the initial assessment, the Boston police shut down the northbound side of I-93 and parts of the public transportation system. Just after 10 a.m. the bomb squad used a small explosive filled with water to destroy it as a precaution. MBTA Transit police Lieutenant Salvatore Venturelli told the media at the scene, "This is a perfect example of our passengers taking part in Homeland Security." He refused to describe the object in detail because of the ongoing investigation responding that "It's not consistent with equipment that would be there normally," Investigators were trying to determine "if it was a hoax or something else entirely" according to Venturelli. ^[9][12] Northbound I-93 reopened to traffic at about 10:05 a.m. By 10:21 a.m. it was determined to be "some sort of hoax device" according to a police timeline of the events.^[10]

At 12:54 p.m., Boston police received a call identifying a similar device located at the intersection of Stuart and Charles Street.^[10] At 1:11 p.m. the Massachusetts State Police requested assistance from the bomb squad with devices found under the Longfellow and Boston University bridges.^[10] Both bridges were closed as a precaution and the Coast Guard closed the river itself to boat traffic.^[13][14]

The first media reports that the event was a hoax occurred around 1 p.m.^{[citation needed]} Friends of Peter Berdovsky received an e-mail from him at 1:26 p.m. which alleged that five hours into the scare, an Interference Inc. (the marketing firm that created the campaign) executive requested Berdovsky "keep everything on the dl".^[2] Travis Vautour, friend of Berdovsky, stated: "We received an e-mail in the early afternoon from Peter that asked the community that he's a part of to keep any information we had on the down low and that was instructed to him by whoever his boss was."^[15]

Two hours later, Interference notified their client, Cartoon Network.^[2] Between 2 and 3 p.m., a police analyst identified the image on the devices as an ATHF cartoon character, and the police concluded the incident was a publicity stunt.^[1] Turner Broadcasting System issued a statement concerning the event at around 4:30 p.m.^[1] Portions of the Turner statement read: "We regret that they were mistakenly thought to pose any danger. The packages in question are magnetic lights that pose no danger. They are part of an outdoor marketing campaign in 10 cities in support of Adult Swim's animated television show Aqua Teen Hunger Force."^[16]

"They have been in place for two to three weeks in Boston, New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia. Parent company Turner Broadcasting is in contact with local and federal law enforcement on the exact locations of the billboards. We regret that they were mistakenly thought to pose any danger." Some devices had been up in the cities listed for two weeks before the Boston incident occurred, although no permits were ever secured for the devices' installation.^[16]

The marketing company responsible for the campaign, Interference, Inc., has made no comment on the situation and their website has also been down (restored as of 2007-02-03).^[17] Berdovsky and Stevens, the individuals hired by Interference to install the signs, were arrested by Boston police during the evening of January 31, and charged with violating Chapter 266: Section 102A½ of The General Laws of Massachusetts, which makes it a crime to place a "hoax device" with the intent to panic the public.^[6][18] Both were held at the State Police South Boston barracks overnight and were released on $2,500 bail from the Charlestown District Court the following morning.

Think about this..From when the first "bomb" was spotted it took approximately 6 to 7 hours for someone to identify that there was a Mooninite on the bomb and not only that, but it took a "Police Analyst" to discover that? Hey guys, this was a big black box with some D batteries and a circuit board to light some LED lights and it took 6 hours to find that this was a hoax? Give me a fucking break...idiots.


Why is this awesome?

Well it just proves to me that the amount of fear that we are all going to get blown up is just ridiculous. A month later the idiots in Boston detonated what they thought to be another potential bomb, later learning it was just a traffic counter. You're more likely to die in a car accident or because you don't have health insurance. Let's worry a little bit more about that than another terrorist strike.